my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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