I feel like I'm in dance class right now
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
