Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They took my balls.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
