i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
