Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
