Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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