Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.