God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
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Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.