just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.