Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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