booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
