she was so not down for the gang bang
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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