when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
