I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
operation have a gay friend backfired
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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