just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize