i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
