yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10