You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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