WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
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before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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