look no pants
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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