Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
