I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
