The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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