last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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