is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had to cum in my sink.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
