i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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