I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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