life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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