When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
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I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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