when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
