I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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