And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
accomplished twins. life is a go
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
