There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
