Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
