She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God