If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!