dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
