so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
