last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
