Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
