Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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