Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
