My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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