theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
