i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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