she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
