Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.