woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.