i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.