this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!