I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.