It's like God shit irony all over that family
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..