Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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