I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
