Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
