Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I only lived at night.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
